Jokes, Baby!

Bloodstar1 · Posted: 04 Jan 2006 02:43 PM Post subject: Cop Joke

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer

Bloodstar1 · Posted: 04 Jan 2006 02:50 PM Post subject: Christman/Post Office Joke

A postal worker was sorting mail a week before Christmas when he came
across a letter addressed to God. Since it would be destroyed he decided to open the letter and read it.

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday
someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
dollars. By the time he made the rounds,he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day,all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she
would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later,another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened, It read.

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving ba---rds at the Post Office.

Sincerely,
Edna

JackintheBoxster · Gots My GED Joined: 05 Oct 2004 Posts: 118 Location: LA

What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus?

I don't know either, but it sure can wash a lot of dishes...

Bloodstar1 · Posted: 13 Jan 2006 02:29 PM Post subject:

Bloodstar1 · Posted: 13 Jan 2006 02:32 PM Post subject: Michael Joke

Did everyone hear about Michael Jackson being spotted at a local Wal-Mart recently?

He was there because he heard all little boys pants were half off!!!

chuco boy · Posted: 13 Jan 2006 02:59 PM Post subject: Jokes Etc.

How do nuns get pregnant?

They get dressed like altar boys.....

realneo · Posted: 16 Feb 2006 11:15 PM Post subject:

what do you call a cow with no legs

ground beef

elchrist · Posted: 17 Feb 2006 02:24 PM Post subject:

realneo · Posted: 18 Feb 2006 12:38 PM Post subject:

elchrist · Posted: 25 Feb 2006 07:16 AM Post subject: Music nerd joke

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but
we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have
an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An
F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying,
"Excuse me. I'll just be a second."

An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this
relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat
hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the
seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night
in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used
to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're
looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development."

This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and
everything else, and stands there au natural. Eventually, the C sobers
up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.

The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the
diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without
Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even
accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so
patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become
alto much treble, he needs a rest - and closes the bar.