Jokes, Baby!

Bloodstar1 · Posted: 31 Jan 2007 04:30 PM Post subject: Rodney Dangerfield!!!

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.
Last night she used me to time an egg.
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It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips,
yet she won't drink from my glass!
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My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store,
and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it!
I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?"
She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
-
Last night my wife met me at the front door.
She was wearing a sexy negligee.
The only trouble was, she was coming home.
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A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over.
There's nobody home."
I went over. Nobody was home!
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A hooker once told me she had a headache.
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I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
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If it weren't for pick-pocketers,
I'd have no sex life at all.
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I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said,
"Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?"
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She said, "No, I hate myself now."
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I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger.
That's when you put a bag over your head in
case the bag over her head comes off.
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I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
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My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen
the roaches hang themselves.
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I was such an ugly baby, when I was born the Dr. slapped my Mother.
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I went to see my DR...... DR.Vinnie Goomba.
He asked if I had this before?
I said yes.
He said well . . . you got it again.
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I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window
and got arrested for mooning.
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The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked.
I asked "Why?"
He said "Because you came home early."
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My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for alka-seltzer.
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I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on
I can hear the Fruit of the Loom guys giggling.
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At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
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My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex;
she called me from Chicago last night.
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"I have good looking kids.
Thank goodness my wife cheats on me."

Bloodstar1 · Posted: 30 Aug 2007 08:56 AM Post subject: Phylosophically Speaking:

Confucius Says:

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok .

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Bloodstar1

Box Donation

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.

You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Bloodstar1

Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

elchrist · Posted: 09 Oct 2007 08:55 PM Post subject:

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

Bloodstar1 · Posted: 10 Oct 2007 09:49 AM Post subject: Another Church Joke:

Catholic Dog (To be read with Irish Accent):

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,

'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane,
and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Bloodstar1 · Posted: 16 May 2008 09:44 AM Post subject: Mexican words of the day:

'Heater' - My little sister started to choke, pero my mom told me to
heater in the back.

'Juicy' - Hey Vato, I will roll a joint and ju tell me if juicy the
cops!

'Chile' - When my wife and I were dating, she was fine, but since we got
married chile herself go.

'Harrassment' - Orale vato my old lady caught me n bed wit my sancha
pero harrasment nothing to me!!!

'Water' - My vieja gets mad and I don't even know water problem is.

'Frito' - After arguing with the pinche policia he told me i wuz frito
go.

'Wafer' - I wanted to go to the movies with my friends, pero los mensos
didn't wafer me.

Pickachu - My dad took me and my brother to payless and told us to pickachu.

Budweiser - Your rucas ass is so fine homie budweiser face so ugly.