Jokes, Baby!

Bloodstar1 · Posted: 23 Aug 2006 12:33 PM Post subject: Another Blond Joke...

Two blonds were walking when one blond found a compact on the sidewalk. She opened it up and looked in the mirror.

The first blond said: "Hmmm...she looks familiar."

The second blond took the compact and also looked in the mirror. She then said: "You dummy, it's me!"

Bloodstar1 · Posted: 29 Aug 2006 02:48 PM Post subject: What? Another blond joke?

A blond suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to her boyfriend's apartment and to her surprise, she finds him in the arms of a fiery redhead.

Well, the blond is really angry. She opens her purse and reaches for the hand gun, as she does so, she is overcomed with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells: "No honey! Don't do it!"

The blond replies: "Shut up! You're next!"

Bloodstar1 · Posted: 22 Sep 2006 01:20 PM Post subject: Brooklyn Tony

The teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence
and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on Brooklyn
Tony.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking."

Then Brooklyn Tony says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women
sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the
sides
of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top
and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Brooklyn Tony replied, "The correct answer is ' the one with
the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."

PS: I guess Brooklyn Tony is the Soprano version of Pepito?

elchrist · Posted: 22 Sep 2006 01:37 PM Post subject: Re: Brooklyn Tony

realneo · Posted: 25 Sep 2006 11:57 AM Post subject:

a man picks up a lamp laying in the street. out pops a genie, who offers him one wish
"i wish for tequila whenever i want it."
the man says "make me piss tequila"
the genie grants the wish, and when the man gets home, he pisses in a glass. it's the best tequila the man's ever tasted.
the man convinces his wife to drink a glass, and she loves it. so he sets out two glasses and fills them with tequila. the two drink all night long.
the next night, the man tells his wife,
"grab one glass and we'll drink tequila."
"why only one glass?" the wife asks.
"because tonight," the man replies,
"you drink straight from the bottle."

Bloodstar1 · Posted: 12 Oct 2006 01:09 PM Post subject:

Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so
they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his
breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school he asks his mom
if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you
know what I think?" His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you
think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and
Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I
think?" His Mom replies, "Never mind what you think, eat your lunch and go back to school!"

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and
Mary up yet?" His mom says, "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Okay, now tell me what you think."

He says, "Last night, Fred came into my room for the vaseline
and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

Bloodstar1 · Posted: 12 Oct 2006 01:13 PM Post subject: It's Brooklyn Tony again...

Brooklyn Tony ON MATH:

Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

The teacher asked ' How much is 2x3,' I said '6,'" replies TONY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me ' How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f*****g difference ?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

Bloodstar1 · Posted: 12 Oct 2006 01:25 PM Post subject: Female Compassion

FEMALE COMPASSION...

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.

He had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman walked over to him and whispered in his ear
"Have you ever been f****d?"
The fellow looked up in amazement and said "No"

She said "You will be when the tide comes in".

Bloodstar1 · Posted: 27 Dec 2006 01:31 PM Post subject:

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.

Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual.

The wife tosses and turns,unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully
around the dog's testicles.

Sure enough, the dog stops snoring!

The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him.

So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it also works on him!

The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the
bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were .... Or what we did . But, by God ... We took first and
second place!"

Bloodstar1 · Posted: 31 Jan 2007 04:21 PM Post subject: The History of Yodeling.

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.!

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO "